VLOG: Sexologists and Moving On

Goodbye Letter to My Biological Parents

I have been putting off sending this email because I didn't want to make a big deal about it and instead try to slowly fade out of your lives completely but your continued confusion as to why I'm not responding to you deems sending this email necessary.

Over the last couple years, I've tried to keep in contact with you and the rest of the family by inserting myself into your lives in the only ways you'd let me (ie: birthday/christmas gifts, mothers/fathers day cards, IM/email/text). I know you still want to talk to me and yet you don't feel like you can accept or support me.

While I have appreciated not being cut off completely from the family, I've come to realize that my continued presence (though small) has hindered our grieving and healing processes. This continued miniscule contact with me helps kindle the tiny spark of hope you have that someday your 'prodigal son' will return. Though your hearts might not want to believe it, I think you're both smart enough to understand that after more than two years through this process, the idea of trying to live the way I lived before is not only impossible but actually horrifying to me.

Also that same contact we've kept up has given me hope that you would someday come to accept and love me for who I am now, even if you don't agree with it. But again after two years of living this way, I don't really believe that will ever happen anymore.

So it is with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes that I am asking you to please not IM me, email me, or text me anymore. Please do not send me letters or gifts for birthday or holidays. If I find anything addressed to the wrong name, it will be returned to sender unopened. Emails will automatically be deleted by filters. I'll be changing my number and soon enough, moving to a different address as well. I'm asking you for my sake and for both of your sake to stop all contact with me until such a time as you can accept the fact that your son is gone and is never coming back. In turn, I will no longer interfere in your lives by sending you cards or gifts either.

If there does come such a day, later in your lives, where you realize life is too short to cut off family (no matter their gender or beliefs) and you truly want to get to know me and my new life, call me by my new name, be happy and proud for me in my accomplishments, get to know my wonderful boyfriend (and hopefully husband someday) and understand we are a heterosexual couple, there will still be avenues to reach me. I know you'll find a way if it ever becomes important enough for you.

Finally, please don't blame my ex or vitamins or hormone imbalances or online forums for any of this. I've said it plenty of times before: None of them made any choices for me. I made a choice; I am the one responsible; I am the one you should be blaming.

Above all, to both of you, please know that I don't hate you, I'm not mad at you, I miss you, I forgive you, and I will always love you.

VLOG: Keeping you abreast of things

1 year post-op

It's hard to believe that it's already been a year since I had surgery. It's faded into my memory as a distant milestone in the past, taking with it the transition of someone who once lived a completely different life.

Many transitioners complain that once someone has surgery, they tend to fade into the distance and are never heard from again. After having gone through the process myself, I can completely relate to those desires. To some extent, I did fade away. My whole point of view changed because for all intents and purposes, transition had ended finally. The last year has been quite different from the year before where I was very much 'in between'.

My adopted mom recently asked me if I was going to celebrate the one year anniversary of my surgery and I was kind of surprised. I really hadn't considered it being something to celebrate persay. It was indeed a pivotal point in my life and yet in a lot of ways it wasn't. It was merely the end of the old life and a new beginning. I guess what I'm trying to say is as much of a big deal it was....it's not a big deal. It's over and done with and I'd rather not celebrate it or remember it fondly. It was something I had to do and I did it and I moved on. And I'm happier for it.

That being said, most of you know I had a hard recovery and at one year later, I am pretty well satisfied with the results. I have seen my surgeon for a couple followups and will probably see her at least one more time this year. I haven't experienced a deeply intense orgasm like the few I had during transition yet but my sexual experiences are still very pleasurable. I do still smile at myself when I put underwear on in the mirror. =) I'm dilating about twice a week now and it's relatively routine and easy.

In conclusion, it's been a year and I'm happy and doing well. =)

2 years full time

I was busy with other things today when I looked up at my calendar and noticed that today denotes 2 years since I went full time living as a woman. Actually it's hard to believe that it's only been two years. It feels like it's been forever.

I quickly switched over to two years ago on my blog and saw my coming out letter; for all the world to see. A lot of things have changed since this letter and in fact, that's why I don't post it as a separate reference link on my blog. It's just so out of date, having origins from before my Autotransography videos. I look back on it now and note the little changes that I would make to it if I had written it now but I won't change it. That is where I was at , in that moment in time.

The post can be found here: http://blog.transitioningpast.com/2010/02/girl-nobody-knew.html .

I guess the reason I'm posting this stuff is that I hope to continue to give hope to others who maybe are just starting or worried about even starting the process. My blog has been al about my journey but I don't think it's an easy thing to just read straight through. So any time I can link back to things, I will do so for those that have not followed me through my journey.

I hope everyone of you out there who are still struggling through the journey of transition can get to this place in your life (or some place like it) where transition is mostly left behind and there is only life.

And life is good. =)

A different kind of mismatch

Last night, my adopted mother came over to give me my weekly estrogen injection and we ended up watching a movie together as well. But before the movie, I showed her my proofs from my newest fashion photo shoot.

As we went through the photos, I could tell she was experiencing a mix of bittersweet feelings: utter joy that her daughter has blossomed into the young woman that she is and yet mixed with it, a slight envy that she didn't get to transition earlier in her own life.

You see, my adopted mom transitioned in her 50's. When she was younger, the resources we have now did not exist. There were periods in her life where she thought about transitioning and didn't. She got married and helped raise 2 kids to adulthood before she couldn't stand it any longer. Personally, I don't know how she lasted so long. I'm not sure I would have had the strength to do such a thing myself.

A long time ago, I told her that I looked up to her because she transitioned without estrogen. Early into her transition, she experienced blood clots that have still to this day kept her from going back to HRT. I am unsure I could go on in a life without estrogen. I'm just not sure I'm that strong. But she does it everyday.

And yet even though she's transitioned from male to female, she still deals with a different kind of mismatched body, mind, and soul. It's one that even non trans people experience as well over time. Often when we get older, we don't feel older....we still feel young inside. And yet when we transition, we are starting over anew……like a baby or a little girl and yet we are still expected to act as our chronological age, whatever number that may be.

 I experience this myself. Throughout transition, I've often felt like a little girl, sometimes like a teenage girl, and yet other times like the working adult woman I am. I can only imagine what it must be like for my mom to feel the same way but having transitioned at an age almost 30 years later.

And so today Mom, you should once again know that I look up to you and admire you for being who you are. The loving, caring, wonderful woman and mother you are to me and the parent you still long to be for your other children. I truly hope someday they will somehow begin to realize the sacrifices you made by putting off your transition until they were grown.

I love you, Momma.

VLOG: 2012, Off to a Running Start